blah blah blah

Well, i finished up the semester and did alright, 4 A's, 2 B's, and an invitation to a research class :) Outside of classes things are pretty alright, going to go hang out with Dane tomorrow, and Ill hopefully see Alyssa sometime soon as well.
I took Loki to se Santa at petsmart and we got our picture taken with him, I would also like to take him to Sedona this winter to see snow for the first time, plus since Todd got me a digital camera for the holidays, it would be a great first photography opportunity. :)
Its weird to think that Todds changed so much since we started dating but he really has. Its pretty intense how much hes grown and how much he keeps growing...
Todd and I were talking about grad school the other day. I had said something about how excited I was about having my own duplex to paint and rent out and live in either bymyself, with friends, and maybe even with dad a few months of the year. He had asked something like which schools I had crossed off the list already, and then he asked about the school in southern illinois. I think that Todd really believes that James and I would just happen. I dont. I believe that I need to go to the grad school thats best for me, and if that puts me in Illinois, then so be it. With James I tried to fly out there once and he called the night before saying he wont be there. That sucked and was a high waste of money. Theres definatly that dreamer part of me that dreams of that kind of love, thats had to wait for so long, and then finally we'd be together... but I dont know if thats practical with James. He had brought up a point about thinking we know eachother but oneday we'll realize we really dont, and what then. . . I know we could definatly stand to know eachother better, but on the other hand I know the parts that I value and respect in him, and I dont think those are the types of things that change. Granted, in the past I could have done more to show him i was serious, but he never flew here either, so its not all me.
A whiiiiille ago Id took the proverb "If you love it let it go. If it returns to you cherish it, if not it was never truly yours." I took the proverb to heart.. and James popped back up and wed be talking a few hours at a time again. For a good while I assumed there was an unsaid agreement that we knew eachothers feelings for one another but given the circumstances it was just best not to go there, .. anyways, something about the conversation made me push myself to work towards that proverb even harder. He knows where I stand with him and my feelings, and so does Todd, and so do I.
I just wish Todd believed the same thing. lol.
SO long story short, grad school is a big decision that Im making on my own. and Its crazy and exciting. Im even thinking of puttin off my photo major to complete the science part in better time, but im undecided on that.

strange dreams

I had gone to be early because I was haviung a hard time staying focused with all the sniffling and sneezing. But with that, I kept having the strangest dreams. There was some common themes and trends that happened that are pretty crazy. They all seemed to come back to one person, and I'm not sure what to think about that.
Other than that, Todd and I found a homeless dog. We've named him Ford (after Whitey Ford sings the blues) and we've been trying to find a good home for him. Hes adorable tho, all white with three brown spots. He's a cutie.

Oh the technology hates me!

Have you ever had one of those days where theres alot to get done, but luckily its not so bad cause you can multitask from your computer and get everything in? Thats what i thought when i went to bed last night. Waking up this morning though was a whole other story.
I woke up late, my alarm was set to go off at 6am but either didnt or i slept through it, which.. if id slept through it the alarm usually keeps ringing and it was not. so its 7am and im supposed to be in my car by 7 am. lol
One of my public speaking parners wanted to add something to a speech outline that we wanted to turn in thismorning at 1030am sharp. So she sends me a text message around midnight, and im asleep so i dont get it until now. I email her the outline and text her that it was sent. Around 1015 she asks if i can run and print it out since shes runing late, so i do, and of course the printer wasnt working so we had to change to another printer, and this made me one minute late for class, whice the prof counts you absent for; awesome.
Once all of that was over with we watned to work on our powerpoint presentation. So while they worked onthat I wanted to get a head start on making my bio graphs. I started up a computer but it wouldnt boot up, 25 min later it finally logged me in but said that there was some kind of scripting error and access was denied and it would not load my personal settings. I moved to another computer and everything was fine. There was a lab protocol I needed to finish, and a vocab test to make flash cards for, and then these freakin graphs. So I get on a computer in the independant study hall and start making graphs happen. I downloaded gnumeric since its the only program i know how to make graphs in and do all the manitpulations. and As im doing all that the computer crashes. Awesome.
I leave the Independant study hall and id missed a call from todd so i called him back as i walked over to the math and science center. We were catching up when the call gets dropped. At this point im a little edgy cause that never happens, none of this ever happens. lol. So i call him back and get a message saying hes out of the network. fuuuuuck. so i turn off my phone cause im just so done with it. I get to the math and science center and get that same error where it wony load my settings - which wouldnt be a big deal except the data for the graphs are online in an excell sheet that i need to open, and it will not allow me to do so. SO i talk to the tech there and we restart, and try again. same thing. so we move to a different machine and try again, same thing. then he sends me to the open computer lab.. also accross campus.
At the open lab, i get the same shit. i talk to the tech there and he wants me to restart. I tell him i just did and he wants me to do so anyways. so i do and the same shit happens. he goes "oh no your on the network, you just dont have any icons in your toolbar or start menu just go in through programs" and im lookin at him like no fucking shit! i can do that. i can use a computer but i cant get the info off the net like i need to. by now its 40 mins till class..so i just make flash cards and finish the protocol and was done with it. What a waste of my freakin time. Freakin technology... jeez!

Saturated.

Thanksgiving.

Ive done three good deeds this week; I volunteered at the womens shelter from domestic violence, called maricopa county to find a homeless dog his home, and returned found keys at my school to the security office. Outside of that, i bombed my chem exam, which means that I have got to do well on the next exam which is in a week) and the final exam if i want to get an A.
I also confirmed that I should be leaving community college this time next year.. and no italy trip :(
Thanksgiving went pretty awesome, I made some good food. My mom was really sick though, she had become dehydrated and had to be taken to the hospital so I was taking care of her most of the week.
Not too much going on outside of that, chems tough but I have to get through it.. wish me luck.

Soul mates?

With the excitement of my school going from certain to completely uncertain, of course nothing else stays constant either. It seems like everytime Im figuring things out, something throws a wrench in the mix! Theres exciting parts to that as well as some scarey. And one more thing to worry about is that Ill need to buy a car. ugh. oohh the cars.
So, Im going about my weeks.. you know, dreaming of art and travel, fantasizing about being back in the darkroom and getting a dig camera as well, and its good. And of course Im fantasizing about sweet cars that go fast. lol. To the rest of the world, Ive been studying chem and bio and getting ready for all kinds of exams. I had actualy written an annonymous note to my bio prof letting him know that a quarter of the class was cheating and studying previous semester exams, and then the exam we had a week later murdered people. But wait, theres more. I havent seen James online in a good while, atleast a month or two, but I had sent him an email thanking him for alot of things. He was on the other day and Id finally gotten a chance to chitchat with him.
It must have been a while cause I hadnt told him about changing my major, the research class, my dad, and other stuff thats going on. SO, I was updating him on stuff. I got to the part where I mention how the only schools that offer the degree program i want are east of misouri. and he says something like "oh really?" so i link him to Dr. Bennett's page where he lists all the schools in the us that offer ethnobotany. A minute later James goes "SIU!!!" and then we went from there to him saying how Im his soul mate.
Soulmate. So outside of the normal tingly feeling i have when we talk and that constant attenetion at the edge of my seat feeling, Im having a whoa moment. Soulmates is a big thing, its the kind of big thing that makes me wonder if I even understand, and if its not simply overused by so many people. Ive heard alot of people talk about soul mates, and all those same people get divorced a few times. So, really.. whats a soul mate? If Alyssa were here at the moment, I bet shed be pointing out that more importantly why is HE saying it; how am I his sould mate considering everything?
I guess I dont have any answers.

Which way to go?

I was talking to one of my friends fron highschool, Ryan, whos inthe army and is dong his second "tour" in Iraq, and we were talking about relationships and all that stuff. And hes worried about a lady hes got alot of feelings for cheatiing on him while hes away, hes not sure if shes sneakin around behind his back and questions her honesty. Hes been hurt before and it shows, but who hasnt? Its so hard to love like youve never been hurt when sometimes things just keep coming down. Its hard not to get completely consumed by the bad shit that keeps happening, and things only seem bleaker and bleaker with few people trying to make the best and remain optimistic. Anyways, hed said something to the affect of theres a choice to be made between an old rotted wooden bridge that you know cant hold your weight but you can see 5 miles across, and a cement bridge that you can only see 5 feet across, which do you choose? He'd followed up that with something his brother told him, the heart wants what the heart wants, ya know?
With that, it brings me back home to what I want. Through dating and meeting people its pretty quick to see exactly what you dont want and what you do want, within the past year I feel like I've narrowed that down and understand it better than ever before. But where am I now?
There are some things that still bother me about the relationship I'm currently in, mainly that we're on two very different pages. I don't want to think about marriage until AFTER my degree- which has been the plan since i was a kid- but I at least want to be finding that man, and being in love and having that support system. Bunny is looking at short term, he just wants someone to hang out with and talk to about his thoughts and ideas, hes not interested in commitment or compromise, and isn't at a point in his life where hes ready to put a team before himself; there's nothing wrong with where either of us are, we're just at different places. That's all. But it certainly keeps me thinking... and asking questions.
Questions like, is he interested in hearing about/doing things that I'm interested in too? I am still unsure about this one since its only recently hes been putting effort into listening to what i have to say and showing some real intrest. "A man who wants to be around you for the long-term will be a good listener when you need him. He will be a dependable source of guidance and support and will not turn a deaf ear simply because the problem is too big. If he doesn't know the solution, he will try his best to find one." Based on that quote, and this really sucks/hurts to say, hes simply not interested in being around long term.
Silly- but somehow relevant- questions like what are the parts of me he finds most beautiful? In the past it's been too easy to answer that question because I had been reminded time and time again what part is most beautiful, but I cant seem to think of one for Bunny, and I wonder why that's missing. Would he eat/drink the last sip of something that he knows Ill want later? I don't think he would, hes surprisingly considerate of those last little things. And how often does he wear a seat belt? Does he care about his well being enough to spare a minute that will last a lifetime?
I can understand on one hand his need and lust for happiness now, hes happy now so why change anything? Its that all so american instant gratification- but I want something real, I want long term happiness. I'm working on alot of different parts of my life to try and take more steps on the road to long term happiness, and in alot of ways Ive come so so far, why should happiness of my heart be any different?
It is tricky though; so many people try so hard to put aside their normal habits and be on their best behavior to catch someone its that whole 'honeymoon period' thing. In the time that I have known him, he has come a long way in terms of listening to me, he definatly listens to what Im saying when we talk on the phone much more than he used to. He likes people to leave him alone and to be honest and really treat people as they would want to be treated. We dont talk much about politics, but hes for gay marriage too, and hes not racist which is awesome. It seems that his friends think pretty good of him, the only part that i dont understand is hes seemingly either letting people take cheap shots at him OR hes acting like a badass and being a jerk to make himself seem big, its hard to tell which one youre going to get when you go out, and I dont really understand why having two yous is necessary (which is funny cause i was the same way when i was younger, one side was a badass who could do anything anytime and the other was an artsy dreamer who liked to have fun). But his friends I think all think hes a good honest man who will get things done when it really counts, which is good. I dont really care for the way he treats his family, and try to write it off as normal stuff; but I can't help but remain convinced that if he treats his loved ones like that, and he loves me, what makes me different? By no means is my family life ideal but Im working to make things good and peacefull atleast, shit, were stuck living together for a while might as well work together, but idk if he thinks that way, and it is alot of work.
I like that he doesnt talk badly about past relationships, and hes been really honest about everything. I wish that hed take more responsibility for mistakes instead of blaming them on everyone else imaginable, and recently, I think hes been improving a little bit there too. I totally love all the things he comes up with for the future even if hes joking about the majority of them, I like that he daydreams about the options and possibilities, I think thats beautiful. He treats other people really well when we are out which is awesome, and I love that he is not awkward when meeting people at random, hes always got something funny to say that people can relate too. Ive asked myself how he treats other women in his life, and alot of them he treats relativly poorly or speaks poorly about, only few has he said good things about that I remember. "To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner" and with that, I think he treats me pretty good, sometimes I have wished he were more considerate of my wants and needs, but it isnt anything that I can really give clear examples of.
I've found myself wondering if we do share the same outlooks on life. We have talked about how much I love helping other people and how he is more concerned with getting what he wants for himself. With other things when we have differences in opinion hes not very dickish at all, he still askes how things went even though he may have not been supportive in the begining. I think a big thing that bothers me is that I know I can talk to him about anything but I wish that he would give feedback too and his opinions, alot of the time he gives a palms up or just chagnes the subject.
There have been times where I admit now to trying to rationalize away my concerns, and some friends and family that have met him have mentioned the same concerns as well.
Hes honest, and tries to be a man of his word when it comes to his friends, he's pretty honest but there has definatly been times where hell say something that Ive said in a lie to my folks so i gotta call bullshit. lol. When conflicts arise I wish that hed try to handle them more, instead he pretty much tries to walk away from it so that it goes away, instead of always seeking a solution.
With each of his dreams and narley adventure ideas I always try to be supportive and fun while still posing real concerns, I wish that he would do the same for me. That alone confirms the different places we are each in, in that I love trying to support andhelp all of his ideas and dreams, and hes straining to be interested in things that I am.
I do not want to settle for instant gratification at the cost of long term well being and happiness.